All Things Reconsidered..

My life is no longer perfect.  My mother has passed away (hence the long break in writing) and I’m doing better now, but it’s still really fresh.  It seems that just yesterday we were fighting about bisexuality, and now it seems like it doesn’t mean anything.

Aside from that (I don’t want to get into it), I’m on practicum in the school.  I was so hoping to get out of the school, but here I am, sigh.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to do admin, but I hate it, and it’s duller than a mute soap opera.  I’ve been photocopying a lot, and my stapling is quite impressive (apparently), but otherwise there isn’t much to do except will myself to not go on facebook.

Rich is back and has been back for a month now, and I’m so relieved that he’s here.  Even the few nights he spends on base, I’m lonely and feel like breaking down, so it’s a lot better when he’s here.  We’ve only got three months left in this hell-hole, and then we’re off and figuring out our new life, and what goes into it.  I’m going to take a year off from school and just work and sort out Mom’s things and such, then I think I may go back in the fall to *finally* start working towards my educational goals.

It turns out that the chick across the street from us is really really ridiculously hot.  I can’t even begin to explain it, but she even out-does gym girl.  Hopefully one day I can put up a creepy stalker-photo, but for now it seems I’ll have to look on in silence. Sigh.

Perfection

As I sit here downtown using free internet with a good bubble tea, I find that at this time my life is perfect.  I’ve finished my exams and found out that I have the highest mark in my Med Terms course, which is the only one requiring any kind of studying, Rich is coming home tomorrow, and by some miracle my pay is $130 more than expected, meaning I have cash to go out with Rich!  The sun is out, I look fabulous, and I feel like a million dollars.  All my work that was due is submitted, and now I just have to go work on all Rich’s surprises.

This week has been hell and a half, between working every study night, studying until odd hours of the morning (except for last night.  I went to bed at 10 and said “fuck you!” to studying for my biggest exam…which I aced!), and deaths in the week, it feels like the stress is gone.  I don’t want to be a woman about it, but I think I’m going to cry or something when I really realize Rich is home (after some well-needed ‘bang-bang’ of course!).

My musing for today is the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  IT’s not even about fashion anymore, but about a celebration of hotness.  I have absolutely no problem with this, and hope that the hotness continues! I have to say that as much as I dislike Heidi Klum on Project Runway, she really did a great job of losing the baby weight.  If I could be even a fraction as hot as her when I have kids, I’ll die happy (and I’m sure Rich will too!).  I have to say that I like watching a show that fabulous, and it makes me want to wear a diamond bustier and walk around on a stage while singing Boom Boom Pow! at the top of my lungs, but I’ll resist for now.

In other random news, gym girl has a sister! A Brunette whose just as hot as her, although less tanned (which is good in my mind).  Sigh..

Tidbit from Formspring

I’m super busy today, and will be for the next few days, so I’m posting a tidbit from my formspring to minimize time.

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Q: Only a woman who’s had sex with another woman can be considered bisexaul? What about women who are saving themselves for marriage but who are bi-sexual? Also,If I’ve never had sex with a girl does it mean I’m only straight-curious?

A: Question 1: Yes. A person whose never had sex really can’t be completely sure of their sexual identity. You can be attracted to women, men, whichever, but until you’ve had a sexual experience with the targeted group, you lack enough information to make an informed decision/have an understanding of your sexuality. There are very few people who can definitely identify their sexuality without experimentation, whereas the majority of people are curious and will need further evidence to continue.

Question 2: Answered above. If you’re one of the few people who can definitively say that they’re bisexual, kudos to you, but the majority need the experience to really decide. If you don’t like vag, you’ll make your mind up really fast.

Question 3: I’m going to assume you’re female. If you’re male, it’s a different answer altogether.

If you’ve never had sex with a girl, but are curious, attracted, and would like to test the waters, You’d be bi-curious theoretically.

If you’ve never had sex with a woman, aren’t curious at all, and aren’t attracted in a sexual way to women, in theory you’d be straight (or asexual, but that’s a whole other can of worms).

There are probably hundreds of sub-levels of each of the major sexual preferences, and these questions are difficult to definitively answer as it varies person-to-person. As they say, everything works in theory.

Sexuality really isn’t a “straight-bi-gay” thing, as most believe it is. Sexuality really is more like race; you have caucasian, asian, african, and a million combinations of each.

Nightmares

Last night I had easily the worst, most real nightmare in my life.  I know that it was the worst because I normally have nightmares about things that happened in my past on a nightly-weekly basis, but they no longer make me wake up shaking and screaming.  This one definitely did, and I’m still shaking a little as I’m writing.

I was in Canadian Tire with Rich, and I was looking around for something (as you always are in a store).  He said he was going for a smoke, and I offered to go with him, but he insisted I keep looking so we could head home.  I found what I was looking for eventually and figured that Rich was waiting in the car.  I got outside, and he was no where to be seen, even though the jeep was still sitting in the parking lot.  I leaned against it and waited for him to show up, but he never did.

In a panic I texted him time after time, but he didn’t reply.  I guessed that his phone must have been off, and knew that I couldn’t file a missing person’s report for another half-day, so I went home.  For some unknown dream reason, home looked completely different but felt the same, and I was looking at thousands of pics of both of us, completely sick to my stomach that Rich wasn’t home with me.  I checked his facebook the next morning and saw that some chick had written how glad she was that he was back home a few provinces over.  I wrote on his wall, and my post was removed and he kicked me off his friend’s list.

Fast-forward some weird dream parts about hitchhiking to Ontario and I ended up at his dad’s place.  His dad told me that he’d seen Rich, and I asked him if he knew what was going on and why he’d left, and he gave me a long look and suggested I call Rich from the home phone (which he would answer).  I was walking around in the back yard and calling, and he picked up (with sounds of a party in the background).  I asked what was going on and why he left me like that, if he was ok or if he was mad at me, and I asked to know what I did wrong.  He told me that he realized I had too many problems, and that he just wanted a normal girl who wouldn’t cause him all the stress that I do.  I started hyperventilating and trying to talk him out of it, but he said “just stop trying, I’ve made up my mind, and I don’t want you anymore” and hung up.  I woke up screaming and crying and with a terrible pain in my chest.  I’m still shaking a little, and am still queezy.

I’ve been in breakups before and such, but this hurt so, so bad. I’ve dealt with asshole guys before, but in the dream Rich’s actions were so far from what I know him to be like that I died a little inside (until I realized it was all a dream and texted him to make sure he still loved me ).  I think if I was still in the dream I probably would have killed myself or something.  It was really cruel and definitely felt like abandonment (it was within the first few days of him being home from his months away, which added to it), and I was crushed.  I was really, really crushed.  It’s scary how much power people can gain over you without you even realizing it..

Pendulum

I’ve determined that my sexuality is a pendulum, swinging back and forth.  This makes sense as sexuality is fluid, so I’m not to worried.  Why have I noticed this change? Because for the last day and a half all I’ve been thinking of is getting fucked.  Not only fucking, but masculinity.  The major thought in my head is having some nice masculine shoulders to dig my nails into while being thrusted into… or licked..or touched in general.

Biologically this makes sense; now that I’m off the pill, I’m (hopefully) ovulating properly again, and my hormones are going wild at this point in the month (aka: she’s really horny but be careful because this is the baby-making week of her cycle).  Sigh.  I wonder if all women get this bad once a month.  I used to be casually horny for most of the month, then crazy, all-encompassing horny for a smaller part of it.  When on the pill, I was slightly horny for a small part of the month, and emotional for the rest of it.  I think I like where I’m returning to a lot more.

I was shocked to find myself actually legitimately fantasizing again this morning.  I can easily say I haven’t done that in a really, really long time, and it was refreshing; kind of like “hey, I’m waking up!!”.  Of course there were more gangbang images in my head, but only because of the time of month I’m quite sure (hey, my body is yelling at me to have a baby for at least a week each month, and lots of guys = good chances according to it).  And a few nice threesum ones of Rich (undoubtedly deathly attractive to me) and Ian Somerhalder, which is self explanatory to anyone whose seen him (his face is so symmetrical…).

It’s funny.  Many chicks I’ve read posts from online, or fanfics that were written by women or whatever always have to have a romance aspect to them. “He loves me, even though he hates humanity” etc.  It’s made me feel kind of wierd, as I realized today that when I have little mischievous fantasies, I really could care less about a relationship and am more focused on who could give me a better ride for my time.  I think I need to get my brain checked out..

Take for example “The Vampire Diaries”.  Damon is undoubtedly not relationship material, and he’s more likely to kill you for fun than attempt to understand or care about you, but it seems like the number of fanfics posted regarding him are all “new girl comes to town and he falls for her” etc, etc.  I’ll admit that I like his character quite a bit, but for less romantic reasons.  Assuming that this character existed, he’d probably be one of the best people in the sack ever to exist, just because of his mischievous nature and his need to tease.  No relationship needed, no romance or whatever, I’d want a chance at that.  Am I weird, or do I just think more like a guy? I’m not sure.

The same can be said about how I perceived Rich when we met.  I looked at him like this crazy man-whore who wanted one thing, and I was completely fine with being his after-dinner fun.  He’d complain to me about other girls wanting relationships and commitment out of him, and I found it hilarious to think that he’d ever end up in a relationship (this of course changed when I went on the pill). The night we met, I wanted him because I knew he could give me a good time (which he definitely did!) and it turned into something great, but it wasn’t what I set out for. Sigh.  I think all of these feelings/thoughts would have been addressed a year ago if I’d never gone on that pill.  I’d probably not have moved to New Brunswick if I wasn’t on the pill either, so I’m thankful that I was on it either way (as Rich and I are together!).

Sigh at the hornies.  you confuse me horniness!