Nightmares

Last night I had easily the worst, most real nightmare in my life.  I know that it was the worst because I normally have nightmares about things that happened in my past on a nightly-weekly basis, but they no longer make me wake up shaking and screaming.  This one definitely did, and I’m still shaking a little as I’m writing.

I was in Canadian Tire with Rich, and I was looking around for something (as you always are in a store).  He said he was going for a smoke, and I offered to go with him, but he insisted I keep looking so we could head home.  I found what I was looking for eventually and figured that Rich was waiting in the car.  I got outside, and he was no where to be seen, even though the jeep was still sitting in the parking lot.  I leaned against it and waited for him to show up, but he never did.

In a panic I texted him time after time, but he didn’t reply.  I guessed that his phone must have been off, and knew that I couldn’t file a missing person’s report for another half-day, so I went home.  For some unknown dream reason, home looked completely different but felt the same, and I was looking at thousands of pics of both of us, completely sick to my stomach that Rich wasn’t home with me.  I checked his facebook the next morning and saw that some chick had written how glad she was that he was back home a few provinces over.  I wrote on his wall, and my post was removed and he kicked me off his friend’s list.

Fast-forward some weird dream parts about hitchhiking to Ontario and I ended up at his dad’s place.  His dad told me that he’d seen Rich, and I asked him if he knew what was going on and why he’d left, and he gave me a long look and suggested I call Rich from the home phone (which he would answer).  I was walking around in the back yard and calling, and he picked up (with sounds of a party in the background).  I asked what was going on and why he left me like that, if he was ok or if he was mad at me, and I asked to know what I did wrong.  He told me that he realized I had too many problems, and that he just wanted a normal girl who wouldn’t cause him all the stress that I do.  I started hyperventilating and trying to talk him out of it, but he said “just stop trying, I’ve made up my mind, and I don’t want you anymore” and hung up.  I woke up screaming and crying and with a terrible pain in my chest.  I’m still shaking a little, and am still queezy.

I’ve been in breakups before and such, but this hurt so, so bad. I’ve dealt with asshole guys before, but in the dream Rich’s actions were so far from what I know him to be like that I died a little inside (until I realized it was all a dream and texted him to make sure he still loved me ).  I think if I was still in the dream I probably would have killed myself or something.  It was really cruel and definitely felt like abandonment (it was within the first few days of him being home from his months away, which added to it), and I was crushed.  I was really, really crushed.  It’s scary how much power people can gain over you without you even realizing it..