Recovery or Death, Whichever comes first.

I’m really sick.  I don’t mean in the psycho way where I start eating people or whatever, I mean in the all-consuming crazy throat swelling and dizziness way.  I’ve been sick like this going on 4 days now, today being one of the worst as I was hacking up yellow phlegm for what seemed like 20 mins.  I’m livid.

In other news, it felt good to finally stand up to my mother.  I’ve needed to do it for years, and Rich was quite proud of me.  aside from the fact that my pictures aren’t trashy, I was pissed off that the only people who cared were my Christian family.  It annoys me, because my mother was swearing up and down that it had nothing to do with Christianity, but let’s face it: who else in the world is really offended by a classy lingerie photo? Now let’s ask: Who else in the world is offended enough to come point fingers about how I live my life? Muslims will write me off, Buddhists believe I’ll eventually find my way, Hindus wouldn’t force their ideals on me, The Catholic church would probably scorn me until they found a way to profit off of it, and everyone in between wouldn’t really have an issue, imo.  The photos aren’t even lewd! No un-necessary skin, the fabric covered more than most bathing suits, and I’m in a very good pose; nothing sexual.  It was published by LaSenza, for crying out loud.

Add to this that mom decided it would affect my “future career” and that I should take it down lest they think I’m immoral.  If I’m going to be working with people who have an issue with classy lingerie, should I really be working there?  I’m just going to keep doing shoots, and heaven forbid I get published majorly in my nighties .  Apparently classy photos are inappropriate.  I’ve posted the photo series that the image came from in this post.

I’m pissed because it seems that me being a “former Christian” gives people extra reason to try and “save me” all over again, or use a “holier than thou” attitude around me, or to try to tell me how I’m wrong.  Can you really tell me that those photos are lewd if you’ve never, ever laid eyes on something worse? Hell, the “Sunshine Girls” (girls published daily in the Sun newspaper) are much worse, and they walk around proudly!  I guess the moral is: Don’t point fingers at me, I’ve thought long and hard about leaving Christianity, and I’m proud of my job as a model.

As a sidenote: I realized that only the references to Christianity asked for a capital letter.  No one else.  It infuriates me.  What else infuriates me? The fact that they say that because Christianity infuriates me, I know deep down inside that it’s real.  It’s not true, it’s just that Buddhism and Hinduism and Wicca and whatever don’t have maniacal followers who go around pointing fingers.  The Muslims don’t even do it; their extremists would rather blow us up, and their non-extremists don’t try to convert us by dragging us to Mosque and stuffing a Koran down our throats.  How can someone in Christianity point fingers at me if they’ve never seen my boyfriend and I together? How can I be told that I’m “living in sin” when we have more love in our relationship than a number of marriages I’ve seen over the years? Furthermore, how is it that I can “sin”? Sex is natural, death is natural, and mistakes are natural. Hell, even rape and murder are natural.  Look at the animals! There are animals who (if they were under human law) would be in jail for eating their babies, killing their mates, and/or raping another animal. Not that I’m saying it should be allowed, just making the point that it isn’t “sin”.

Furthermore, why has marriage been so idealized? No marriage in history was ever really based on love.  They were all based on peace pacts, social climbing, and land agreements.  Those who really loved each other had to leave the country or whatever and get married in secret, without their families and such.  Why idealize something that isn’t about love? Not to mention the sex.  Sex and money are the leading cause for problems in a relationship, and yet we’re supposed to blindly marry someone out of “love” and “godliness”, who we may never be sexually compatible with.  At least if you had steamy sex at one point in your relationship, you know that you can have it again, but what if you get married to a religious nut who thinks it’s bad to enjoy it? You’ll be missing a world of good.

I could go on forever, but I’ll stop here.